Lyrics
[Style: Fast upbeat pop funk, punchy brass hits, bouncy bassline, 128 BPM]
[Intro: Drum groove, bass slap, dramatic horns build up, comedic shout]
Yeah! Listen up!
I’ve got a rap sheet here and we need to talk!
[Verse 1: Fast rhythmic delivery, upbeat]
Woke up on Monday, ready to roll
Slid open the drawer with a pure, simple goal
Reach in the dark for a standard black pair
Nothin’ but air, man! There's nothing in there!
Where are the cottons? Where are the crews?
How am I s’posed to put feet in my shoes?!
I’m standin’ here barefoot, completely distraught
Look at this felony you just begot!
[Chorus: Big horns, high energy, punchy backing vocals]
Sock drawer is bare? (That’s a Wife Crime!)
Tell a killer joke and no laugh? (That’s a Wife Crime!)
Call the precinct, ring the siren bell
Send this whole cold case straight to bail!
You left a man stranded in the prime of his life
Gotta call it out: Crimes of a Wife!
[Interlude: Funky guitar riff, horn stabs]
[Verse 2: Snappy, animated, accusatory]
Friday at eight, got the sofa all set
Popcorn is popped for the finale, and yet—
I turn on the screen, hit "Play Episode Four"
The progress bar’s RED! It was finished before!
You watched it without me?! You treasonous crook!
You spoiled the twist with one innocent look!
"Oh honey, you fell asleep during the recap,"
That isn’t an alibi, that was a trap!
[Chorus: Full band, call-and-response backing vocals]
Streaming betrayal? (That’s a Wife Crime!)
Finished season three in daylight? (That’s a Wife Crime!)
Call the chief, sound the squad car horn
A cinematic covenant was brutally torn!
I’m pacing the rug with righteous dismay
Another Wife Crime, caught in 4K!
[Bridge: Sudden drop, suspenseful slap bass, tense, theatrical spoken whisper]
[Breakdown]
Now under the duvet, the lights are turned low
A peaceful night's rest... or so I would know.
A sudden disturbance. A ruffle of sheets.
A microscopic breeze where the comforter meets.
The coverlet flutters. A silence so chill.
(deep inhale)
...And then the perimeter takes a direct hit!
(coughing, frantic shout)
Biological warfare! I’m under attack!
There’s smoke in the bunker! No way to fight back!
Call the Hague! Call Geneva! Call FEMA, quick!
[Guitar Solo: Frenetic, comedic funk solo, escalating horns]
[Verse 3: Triumphant, proud, self-aggrandizing]
Next morning I bravely dragged bins to the street
Defying the driveway, an Olympic-class feat!
A modern-day hero, I walk through the door...
Silence. No fanfare. No crowd yelling "More!"
And look at my head! Got a fade on the side!
Cost forty-five dollars plus three ounces of pride!
You walked right on past me, no compliment dropped
Did you even notice the mop had been lopped?!
[Chorus: Maximum energy, full brass section blast]
No praise for the trash? (That’s a Wife Crime!)
Zero notice on the fresh cut? (That’s a Wife Crime!)
Book her on the spot, read the list of the charges
The scale of the pettiness endlessly enlarges!
I am deeply aggrieved! I am horribly slighted!
Every tiny infraction has been indicted!
[Outro: Fast, chaotic horn riffs, speaking over music]
She just rolled her eyes! (Another one!)
She told me to calm down! (Code red!)
She asked if I took out the recycling too...
(Music drops to solo bass, bewildered speaking voice)
...Wait.
Did I forget the recycling?
(beat)
Never mind. Dismiss the jury.
Case closed!
[Big brass sting, rimshot]
[Fade out]
[End]
